I need to learn to accept that I’ll never be a ‘regular person’. I’ll have ups and down with my health but I’ll never be superwoman. Life will be a struggle.
Today has been a really difficult day for me. I finally admitted that I need help after having a big breakdown. I’m depressed and I don’t have any hope left. I can’t see the point in living and I feel like I’m missing a piece of life. Like everyone else sees something completely different to me. They ‘get’ life and I don’t.
Life is too much of a struggle. It’s too hard.
Every. Single. Thing. I do requires so much conscious thought and energy. I’m plagued by thoughts telling me that I’m useless and a failure. The most difficult part of my life at the moment is maintaining working. It’s a real, daily struggle. I look at others my age who are excelling in their careers and seem to get through a working week so easily and I wonder how on Earth they do it. Getting out of bed is mentally and physically difficult for me and the amount of energy it takes to get downstairs after doing so is crazy. Sitting at work and processing an email takes so long some days and it gets me anxious and overwhelmed in ways I don’t even understand. How do others just do things so easily?
How do they do things without much of a conscious thought beforehand?
I work and then come home and sleep, until it’s time to go to work again. And so I feel like what is the point? I’ll never live a regular, normal life. I’ll never be able to do anything without having to consciously work out if I can physically afford to do it. I’ll never not be tired or in pain. And the thought of living the rest of my life like that, when I’ve only gone two or three years like it so far, zaps away all of my hope. How do others bounce back from difficult times so much easier? How do they get through each day without once thinking ‘This is too hard. I can’t cope. I feel useless. I feel hopeless. I feel numb’? Those thoughts swallow me up inside and each day feels like a hundred days.
It’s a monumental effort to do absolutely anything.
And that’s the norm for me. Each and everyday I want to go home and curl up in bed and stay there forever because it’s just too hard. I want the pain and torment to end. My mind is my own worst enemy, as I swing from lows to highs and highs to lows. I feel like I’m doing OK and then, out of nowhere, it suddenly becomes too much and I explode, with all my thoughts and feelings coming out in an anxiety-attack-tornado. All these unconsciously suppressed feelings overwhelming me.
I feel like I’m suffocating and everything spins. I want the pain to end.
And that’s exactly what happened today. For months and months now, I’ve been battling fatigue and symptoms with no idea which health condition they’re attributed to and I’ve had wobbly mental health. One stressor or concern after another piles on top and I put on a brave face. I do believe that certain people are susceptible to mental health conditions and even if you come out the other side of depression, like I have before, you’re susceptible to falling back into it again. And so today, it all came to ahead and I became a broken mess.
But I made the first step in possibly changing my full time job to part time, today. Maybe an extra day or two at home will give me time to recuperate and strike a better work-life balance. Maybe it’ll ease my stress levels and make me feel like I do more than work and sleep. Every day, I feel like I’m going to explode or that the Earth is going to swallow me whole. And I want it to. I have to do something.
I’m scraping the barrel for the last remains of my get up and go but I’m close to running out. I’ve been having bad dreams that taunt me and play on my mind all day.
Getting enjoyment out of life feels so difficult and life feels gloomy.
What am I missing that others seem to ‘get’?
Rachel, The Invisible Hypothyroidism
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